


The Art Of Self-Destruction

by Zeru



Category: Sean Patrick Flanery - Fandom, The Boondock Saints RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-09 04:39:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1141554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeru/pseuds/Zeru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She knows he is bad for her, but she can't live without him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I love feedback and I love comments. So please, if you like my work, do say so. Also, I don't mind requests at times. Hit me up @ Zerulius on Twitter or Tumblr.

I walk slowly towards the elevator, my shoes clicking on the marble floor. I count my steps internally, somehow wishing that I turned around now, and left. But I cannot, and he knows it – he knew it the moment he invited me to his hotel, the moment his hand brushed down my back in that bar. I let him, my eyes set on his, frozen in time. I wish I never met him in my life.

I press the button and wait. I still try to convince myself to turn around. A loud click notifies me of the elevators’ arrival and I step inside the steel box, reluctantly pressing his floor. The doors slide closed and I close my eyes, feeling the burn in them as I try to regain my control. This happens every single time. I reach his floor a minute later and as the doors open and I step out, my mind shuts off, giving in. I walk down the corridor and knock on his door, half-hoping he is not there, but it swings open and I feel a hand pull me inside.

The door shuts and I am pressed against it, his hot body against mine, his hungry mouth on my lips. He takes what is his, and he takes it mercilessly. His tongue dominates mine, and I lose my breath, trying to inhale as Sean presses himself tighter into me, my lungs crushed as his broad chest pushes me into the wood of the door. He pulls away, cupping my chin in his hand and looking into my eyes.

-          I’m glad you came. – Sean smirks, and his tongue darts out and traces the shape of his sinful lips as I watch it, feeling my body give in to his game. I stay silent, knowing that whatever I say will not be heard. I am not here to talk, and we are both acutely aware of that.

He steps away from me and pulls me to the bed, pushing me down on it. I sit, obedient, like a school girl being told off by the principal. Sean swings open the minibar and takes out a couple of small bottles of hard liquor, shoving one in my hand.

-          Drink. – I crank open the bottle and gulp it down in one go, feeling myself relax a little as the alcohol hits my blood stream. – You haven’t been around lately. – He continues, watching me. – I was almost getting worried you found yourself a nice man to settle with.

Sean chuckles, coming closer to me and taking the empty bottle out of my hand. I look down, unable to look at him. He throws the bottle onto the nearby table and comes back, lifting my head up and looking at my face, a soft smile on his lips.

-          You’re so pretty in this dress. – He says quietly, stroking the sides of my face as I stare into his blue eyes. A shiver runs down my spine as I feel the cold in them, the ice that glistens deep inside those pools of pure blue.

Sean bends down ad brushes his mouth against mine, not kissing, just stroking our lips together and my eyes flutter and close as I take in this brief moment of tenderness. My heart loses its rhythm as I wish for this to never end, as I wish for him to care for me. But the moment passes fast, and I feel and hear him speak against my lips.

-          You know what I like, dear. Now wrap your pretty mouth around my cock like I enjoy. – I squeeze my eyes to fight back despair and slide off the bed to my knees, placing my hands on his belt. I open it slowly, belt, button, zipper, and pull his pants down, taking his underwear with them. He steps out of them and kicks them away to the corner. – Look up. – He hisses as I take his member into my mouth, my tongue circling around the tip and sliding back and forth on his slit.

I lift my eyes up and meet his, as his hand cups my chin, securing me in one place. His mouth is slightly open and I can see lust in his eyes, alongside victory, domination, and power. I blink and his face changes, a smirk appearing in the corner of his lips as he breathes heavier, his hips starting to move.

-          Don’t you love it when I fuck your sweet little mouth, dear? – He breathes out, letting out a small sinister laugh as his cock delves deeper into my throat. I come close to losing my oxygen supply as he pushes his hips forward roughly, sliding down my throat and making me gag hard. He pulls out and looks on as I cough, saliva dripping out of my mouth. My eyes are watered and my eyeliner is getting smudged by my involuntarily tears. Sean looks at me, stroking my face. I never break eye contact with him. – Pretty little lady. – He coos, lifting me up and standing me in front of him. – Let me make you feel good. – He whispers into my ear as his hands travel to the hem of my dress, lifting it up and taking it off in one swift movement.

He wastes little time trying to be careful, pulling my tights out of the way and moving on to my underwear. I feel the heat center around my nether regions and my breath gets heavier. My mind might know this is bad for me, but my body cannot resist him.

Sean pushes me onto the bed, pulling my hands above my head and licking and kissing at my neck. I moan softly, feeling the tingle between my hips. His hand slides under my back and he unclasps my bra, pulling it away and returning my hands to their position. His mouth is on my breasts, taking one peak into his mouth, sucking at it slowly, pulling his head away and stretching it, making me shake under him. His teeth clasp onto it and he pulls again, biting down hard, making me wince in pain and moan out a small cry. One of his hands travels to my other breast, squeezing and pulling. His mouth licks on my nipple, soothing it from the bite, before biting down on it again and pulling, his hand slapping my other breast hard as he does so. I let out a hoarse, broken moan.

Sean pulls away and smirks at me, guiding one of his hands down to my panties. His hand slips inside, tracing my slit, and he smiles a sinister smile, edging his face into mine and giving the corner of my mouth a quick hot lick.

-          You want me bad, dear. I can feel it. You cannot resist me, can you? I haven’t done anything special, yet you are dripping wet for me. Is it just me? Tell me, am I the only one that makes you fall apart like this? Or are you wet for everyone like a little cheap hooker? – He breathes his harsh dirty words into my skin and I shake my head, looking at him. – Am I the only one that fucks your tight cunt? – He questions, his second hand closing around my throat. I start nodding, looking into his eyes, pleading him to continue.

Sean releases my throat and smiles. He is pleased and I know it. He wants to know he owns me. And he does. He rips away my panties and lies on top of me, before rolling us over.

-          Ride it like you want to. – He barks, his voice hard.

I slide down onto his cock, my hips slowly rising and falling as I brace my hands on his chest, quiet moans escaping my mouth. He watches me, his eyes concentrated on my face as I start to speed up. He doesn’t let me, slapping his hand on my ass and pushing me down. I sit on him, his member buried in me to the hilt, and start moving my hips in a circular motion. I know he likes it. His breath catches in his throat and his eyes close, head tilting back as he bites his lip. His fingers tighten on my hips, thumbs stroking my skin. I continue swirling around, watching him. Thinking how this man looks beautiful when he is pleasured. Wishing that I saw it every day. He moans as I make a sharp move and his eyes fly open. He sit up and pulls me close to his chest. My hands snake around his neck as he starts moving my hips up and down, slowly at first, speeding up as his breath gets uneven. My fingers catch in his hair as I feel something tighten around me. All of my blood rushes to the point where our bodies connect as his movements get faster and harder, slamming me down onto his lap. I moan loudly, breaking into tiny screams as I feel my release approaching.

-          Come on my cock, baby. – He wheezes out into my ear and I oblige him, screaming his name out into the cold night, my pleasure flowing out of me and onto him. He covers my mouth, muffling it, groaning and hissing as I feel him release inside of me, covering my insides with thick cream. I shake in the aftermath of my orgasm and he leans his forehead against my shoulder, clearing his throat and steading his breath. – Good girl. – Sean comments some seconds later.

He pushes me from his lap and I sit on the bed, still in post-climax bliss, hugging my own shoulders. I let myself indulge in the feeling of pure pleasure for a few seconds before my shaking hands reach out to my clothes on the floor and I start dressing myself. Sean gets off the bed and pulls his jeans on, walking over to the side of the room.

-          I want you to see something. – He says, pulling a bag out of the corner. He pulls some lingerie out of the wrapping paper and shows it to me. I pull on my tights, silently asking him what does he want. – I bought it for Lauren. You think she’ll like it?

I shiver at the mention of his wife and the memory of his child with her. I can feel tears burn in my eyes as I pull on my dress and manage to look him in the eye. I know she is the one that he loves and cares for, she is the one that makes him happy. I am merely a convenient toy that is in love with its owner.

-          It’s lovely. I’m sure she’ll love it.

-          And I’ll sure enjoy taking it off her. – Sean smiles, coming over to me as I stand near the door, ready to leave. – I’m glad you came over.

And in that moment, I can’t stop myself from letting my heart spill out.

-          You are destroying me. – I whisper, my eyes set on the ground. Sean pulls my chin up and looks me in the eyes, smiling.

-          I know. That is why I will never let you go. – He whispers before pressing a cool sweet kiss on my cheek and pushing me out of the door.


	2. Chapter 2

I sit at home, curled up on the sofa, feeling slightly sick from the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed and the festive nibbles that I’ve managed to get down into me beforehand. My friend is sitting next to me, petting my head softly, listening to my uneven breath.

I cried at first. I cried and cried, I broke dishes, I screamed my heart out into the silence of my own flat, but I don’t cry like that anymore. Now, my crying is just a new system of breathing, one where I seem to suffocate and lose the ability to inhale air into my lungs, and the inability to get enough oxygen makes my eyes water, pushing involuntary tears out of my eyes.

She strokes my hair gently and tries to prompt me to talk again. But in reality, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to explain how it got this way, how did one glance turn into an obsession, how did one touch make me fall in love, how did one man make me the most vulnerable creature in the world. And how do I tell her, how do I begin to justify falling in love with a man that is not mine? A man who already has a woman he loves, a woman he is wed to, a woman who bore his children? She would never approve of me. No one would ever approve of me. Even I don’t approve of myself, but I can’t make myself forget Sean and stop thinking about him, I can’t stop myself longing for him every single minute of the day.

I curse my fate every day, I curse it for meeting him now, when I used to be happy and I had everything I could want in life – but now all I want is him, desperately. I want him to love me, to care for me, to stay a night with me. I want to fall asleep in his arms once, I want to lie on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. I want his heart to skip a beat just once when he sees me. Lord knows I pray for it every day.

But Sean loves her. He loves his wife and his child, and he always returns to her. My father once told me that men always return to the women they love. I guess this means that he loves her and not me. Because whilst I shiver in the rain, waiting for a taxi, he kisses her temple and hugs his son with her, and while I am lying here on the sofa battling for every single breath, he is there, far away, with her. Telling her he loves her. Not me. Not me.

I wish I could call. I wish I could ask him why. But I don’t know where to call, I don’t have his number. He is the one that calls me. He calls me and I run to him. He knows I will come, he calls me his kitten, and I feel that I probably am – the kitten gets hit on the nose, but thinks that it’s how it’s supposed to be and continues loving and comes back, because it’s too small and too naïve to understand that it won’t be loved. He calls me from hotels and from bars, but he never calls me from somewhere I could call back. He tells me that this way it is better. And I nod every time, obeying him.

Lord, how did I fall into this illness?

-

My friend shifts a bit and asks me whether I want to talk. I shake my head and raise my eyes to her, clearing my throat. She looks worried, but it does not matter to me anymore. I ask her to leave, telling her that I need to be alone. She smiles sadly, but stands up to go, cupping my face before she goes. We worry about you these days, she whispers. I worry about myself too. I worry that my heart will rip through my chest one of these days.

-

My phone rings. Adele sings about finding someone like him, and I walk to my phone slowly, and pick it up with a shaking hand, staring down into the screen. An unknown number wants to hear my voice. I slide my finger across the screen.

\- Hello? – I manage to say, my voice breaking in the end. I don’t need to hear the voice to know it is Sean calling. No one but him calls me from unknown numbers.

\- Baby doll! – Sean sounds happy and slightly drunk, and I can hear music blasting from somewhere near him. – How you doing? But more importantly, what are you doing?

\- I’m a bit stressed today. – I say, wondering if he’s listening.

\- But you’re available to let me take your stress away? – He laughs, greeting someone who is there with him, ignoring my attempt to talk about myself.

\- Yes. – I answer, slow, asking for damnation from all the higher powers that exist in this world for my own weakness. – Yes, Sean. I’d love to see you.

\- Great. I’ll be coming over soon, doll. Wear something pretty for me, will you? – With this, he hangs up and I proceed to drop the phone on the floor, rushing to my bedroom.

I swing the doors open, looking at everything that hangs inside. Everything I bought for him, not for myself – the beautiful dresses and the silk shirts, the flowing skirts and the gentle blouses. My own clothes, ones that I belong in, hang in the very corner, like abandoned children. I look to them briefly, but my eyes return to the ones that are for him. Only for him.

-

Sean arrives some hours later, pleasantly tipsy and light-hearted. He has a rose in his hand, which he shoves into my hands the moment he enters, briefly brushing his lips against mine and walking straight to the liquor cabinet. It is holidays, after all. I look down at the flower in my hand, feeling my heart speed up at this tiny sign of affection – or something I would gladly take as one – before finally closing the door and walking to the kitchen to put the flower in water.

When I return, Sean is nowhere to be seen. I question whether he left, whether the magic of the holiday is over – I even question if he was there at all and I didn’t imagine him, which wouldn’t surprise me. I see him in many people. I see him in myself sometimes. But as those thoughts wonder through my head, I feel warm palms land softly on my shoulders and warm breath touch my ear. Hands slide from my shoulders to my waist and press me back into him, and I close my eyes, letting myself go as he plants wet hot kisses on my neck. I inhale deeply, and amidst his smell, the musk and the liquor, the city and the sweat, I smell her. My eyes fly open of their own accord and I manage to squeeze out words of apology as I rush to the bathroom.

Closing the door, I lean on the counter and look into the mirror, staring down into my own eyes. Telling myself that I will either go out there and tell him to leave forever or will stay alone and miserable for the rest of my life. Calm down and count to ten, I tell myself. Deep breaths. Sean knocks on the door lightly, and in his knock I can hear annoyance – he rarely has the time for my feelings, although he sometimes listens to them half-heartedly, throwing a “I love you too, babe” at me when I finish as if he were throwing a bone to a dog.

I swing open the door, set on asking him to leave, but my eyes meet his and I don’t. I can’t ask him to leave because he is the reason that the sky is blue for me. So instead, I smile coyly. Sean smirks at me with his precious slappable lips and pulls me into his arms.

-

Deep breaths and count to ten.

I order myself to stop feeling her scent. I inhale the smell of skin at his neck as his hands trace lines down my back and onto my behind, pressing me into his aroused body. Making me feel wanted.

One.

Sean’s hands and lips are everywhere and he is pressing me against the wall, grinding his body against mine, and I can feel the muscles in him tense and relax, and the pulse of his center against my core. He is whispering words to me, his voice sweet and hoarse, his words burning into my skin as he whispers mine, mine, mine. And my body replies to him – yours, yours, only yours.

Tell me I’m beautiful.

And he does, but not in the way I want him to, he tells me how he loves the silk wrapped around my body and the way that every curve and every goose bump is imprinted on the fabric. He slides the loose material from my shoulders and the dress falls, pooling at my feet, red silk like blood on the white carpet of the floor.

Two.

Sean lifts me up and I wrap my legs around him, my mouth molded into his, my arms wrapped tight around his neck, fingers digging into him, clinging onto him. I wear nothing underneath the dress for there is no reason to - a dress is merely a shell and a show, a prelude to the night. He is still fully clothed and the material of his jeans rubs against my delicate skin, leaving it red. He holds me tight, pressing me harder into the wall, as his tongue curls in my mouth, fighting with my own, licking around my teeth, sliding against my lips.

Tell me you want me.

He does, and I feel his desire for me in the way his body reacts to mine, in the way his breath catches for a moment when his hands feel the warmth of my body.

Three.

He breathes out an order to hold on tight to me, and I don’t know if I can hold tighter, as he carries me to my own bed, gently laying me on top of it as he releases me. He takes his own clothes off as I breathe slowly, calming myself, still thinking that I should stop him, but the moment his skin touches mine, all the resolutions fly out of my mind as I indulge in the contact, wishing to melt into his touch. His skin is hot and damp and his body sticks to mine as he lies on top of me, holding my face in his hands, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to my lips. I moan into his kiss, bending further into his body, giving in to him completely.

Tell me I matter.

His mouth falls lower on me, sliding across my neck, capturing my pulse. My blood rushes to meet his mouth, swirling under my skin where his kisses were and I feel like the tenderness I feel towards him will start spilling out of my pores.

Four.

Sean’s body moves across mine, grinding against me, his arousal slipping over my core, moans escaping his mouth as it does, and he breathes promises to me, promises of the world and the stars, promises of the moon in my arms. Promises that will never come true. He lowers himself, sliding down on my body, his lips on my breasts, his breath scalding on my skin, his tongue tracing the goose bumps on me.

Tell me you need me.

He licks around my breasts, planting soft kisses and sucking in delicate skin until it bruises, marking his territory, growling and moaning as he grinds himself against me. His mouth moves lower and lower, his hands cupping my sides, digging nails into my hips.

Five.

I moan and bend into him, pressing my core to his face as his mouth reaches it, his tongue tracing me, his hands moving my legs apart. My breath comes out in tiny wheezes as his talented mouth drives me to the point of absolute insanity, and I squeeze my eyes shut so tight I see lights in them, and when I open them and look down all I can see is his eyes watching me, and bright lights everywhere around him.

Tell me you care.

And as those lights start fading away, I feel my body tense and I hear myself moan ragged pleas to him, and he answers them as I break down under his touch and shake from every exhale he leaves against me.

Six.

He lets me come down from my high, kissing up my body, soft, sweet, almost caring, snaking himself up until he is lying on top of me with all his weight and I am crushed into the bed by his frame, and he is holding my face in his hands again, kissing me, whispering me sweet nothings as I open and close my eyes slowly, coming back to the real world, coming back to the unmade bed and to the man next to me. His eyes are fixated on mine and they are so dark I feel scared, because in them I see the end of me.

Tell me you will be here for me.

Only I know he won’t be, but now he is and he leans his forehead against mine and brushes his lips against mine as he tells me that he wants to make love to me and that he wants me to remember today forever, that he wants it imprinted in my mind, so that every single time I see him I can’t help but feel the same way I do now.

Seven.

And with that I let Sean take me, all of me, not just my body, but my heart with it, and I am scared that I will let something slip from my mouth and that he will leave, but in reality he knows. He knows that he is the only man I will ever be able to love, and that I can’t get enough of him. He knows it from my sigh as he enters me, he knows it from the way my hips follow his when he pulls out, he knows it from the way my eyelids flutter every time he makes a move. He knows it because I tell him so with every single nerve in my body and as our bodies move together I feel as close to him as I will ever be.

Tell me you’ll stay.

Sean moves slowly, almost too slow, but his movements are smooth. I wrap my legs around his waist and pull him closer to me, and he hides his face in my neck. I close my eyes and wish for this moment to last forever.

Eight.

He moves away and flips me over, and my face is pressed into the cotton of the pillow as he enters me from behind, lying on top of me, intertwining his fingers with mine and moving faster, his breath more and more ragged. I try to breathe but it comes out rough and rips through my burning chest as his weight presses me down and his hands move mine with his closer to my sides, squeezing me in his grip, not letting me make a single move. I moan louder, feeling something inside of me move and slither down to the place our bodies connect, crawl there slowly from somewhere in my chest.

Tell me you’re mine.

I know he never will be because I still feel her perfume on his skin, but I lose it in the scent of his sweat and his cologne, and I rejoice as the sweat of our bodies washes her away, washes away her memory and gives me him, if only for a short while.

Nine.

I know Sean is close because groans escape his lips and every once in a while a tiny moan rumbles up from his chest and pushes past his teeth as he tries to control himself. He turns both of us over so he is on his side, holding my leg up and then wrapping it around his legs so that I am spread out over him as his teeth bite down on my neck and his pace picks up, so fast I can’t keep up with it but can only moan in approval.

Tell me you love me.

He pushes into me several more times before the feeling that was born in my chest finally reaches my core and I arch myself over him, my back a bow over his body and his name falls fast from my lips into the silence of the flat, bouncing off the walls and wrapping around furniture. He reaches his peak a minute later, breathing harshly and growling, his hands grasping my breasts so tight that I know there will be bruises from his fingers, but even in his pleasure, my name does not escape his lips.

Ten.

We lay on the bed, breathing, his hands moving over my skin soothingly, his lips wet and warm against my ear. I stare into the ceiling, counting moments as they pass by, wondering how long will he stay this time.

-

It takes him 4 minutes and 37 seconds to get back to himself and push me from him, rolling off the bed and standing next to it. Sean looks at me, sprawled on the bed, warm, naked, longing, and his eyes wander over my body as he pulls his pants on. He checks his phone and I see a small sweet smile on his lips, and his eyes crinkle as he smiles. I don’t need to ask who it is to know.

\- Stay. – I find the courage to say as he pulls his shirt over and he freezes. He slowly pulls the fabric down and sits down next to me on the bed, taking my hand into his and looking at me like a father would look at a small child.

\- I can’t, baby. You know I can’t. I need to get back to Lo. Christmas is a family holiday after all, and my son’s going to miss his daddy. – He smiles at me with pity, and I grind my teeth together to prevent myself from crying in front of him.

\- Will you ever stay? – I ask him, broken that the magic did not work on me, that my wishes did not come true, that whatever fairy dust was supposed to make things better made them unbearable.

\- One day, baby, one day. But I love Lo, you know that. She’s my beauty and my strength. And I love you too, baby, just in a different way. In a more physical way. – He brushes a finger against my cheek as I stare at him blankly, taking deep breaths. – Got to go now, okay? I’ll call you later in the month.

I hear the door close behind him and I walk to it, somehow still hoping that he will come back. I stand there, staring at the door handle for about ten minutes until his words sink into my mind and I fall down to my knees, hugging myself and howling in despair. I rock myself like a child trying to find comfort in my own arms but it hurts so much I don’t know if I can take it.

I get up and walk around the flat aimlessly, crying hysterically, tears streaming down from my eyes, picking up items and putting them down, breaking glasses and leaving shaky handprints on mirrors for hours and hours on end, refusing to accept that he is not here.

Please. Please. Please. I scream into the cold air and the dark cloudy sky as I feel my world break apart once more.

Please, I murmur, lying on the floor, as Sean enters his own house and gets embraced by his wife, and bends down to pick up his son into his arms.

Please, I beg, as Sean locks the door and his heart away and plants a soft kiss on his wife’s lips, whispering her words of love.

Please, I whisper, as I realize that I may be his, but he is not mine.


	3. Chapter 3

I know many people would understand me if I were to say that I don’t want to leave the house anymore. I don’t want to do anything vaguely productive. I don’t even want to live. I feel dead most of the time, and when I don’t, I feel desperate. I walk around aimlessly. I thank everything that it’s holiday season which means I don’t have to go to work and smile at people and pretend that everything’s okay, when my soul was taken out and crushed into many pieces, and all of them have his signature. He took it, and he broke it, and then he tried to fix it by giving me the rose, but it didn’t fit the same. And everywhere, there is him now. He rooted his way to my heart and wrapped himself around it, and I feel like there is a hole in my head every time I see him.

The rose withered away two days after his visit. It was already soft and fading when he pushed it into my hands on Christmas Eve, and once he left and I broke apart, it started to disappear. When I finally had the strength to pick myself up off the floor the next morning, I came into the kitchen to see the yellow flower dropping its first petals onto the crochet table cloth. I panicked, I tried to put them back, but the more I tried, the more it faded.

I sat by the flower, watching the petals fall off it for next two days. It was hypnotic. I was watching the rose die and I knew that the rose was me. When I was young, my mother told me that yellow roses mean joy, and if someone gives you a yellow rose, it means that they remember you and that they care. But I don’t feel like Sean meant that message. I doubt he even bought the rose. I watched as the petals on the white cloth turned brown and as the head of the flower bent to the ground under the weight of the world. In the middle of the night, the last petal fell off and glided down to the table, swirling in the air in front of me. It landed next to my hand and I stared at it for an hour, thinking that maybe this is me. Maybe the flower could never live for long because Sean is poison to me. But it still tried. And I still try, because I can never give him up. If my fate is to be his invisible friend in this world, then so be it, because I would rather have one moment with him and suffer than never see him again.

I watched that rose die, calamity washing over me as I accepted my fate.

—

My friend called me up that evening, cheerful and happy as usual, and in a high-pitched chirping voice told me that we’re going to a party. I tried to talk myself out of it, but she wasn’t taking it. She was calling me a hermit and a bore, and that it’s New Year’s Eve and we really must go, since she has the tickets to the hottest do in town and I would be crazy to miss it. I agreed reluctantly, cursing myself for it, but at the same time hoping that it would take my mind off Sean for a little while. I’ve never been more wrong in my life.

—-

I should have known better. I should have expected to see him there, since he was a public person. I should have also expected to see him not alone. As I enter the room, nervous, trying to look down, I feel his presence. I grab the nearest glass off a waiter’s tray and down half of it in one go, barely tasting what’s inside. Wine? Champagne? Some cocktail? It doesn’t really matter to me since all I can think about is Sean standing across the room from me, talking to someone I don’t know, smiling his sincerest smile, the one that lights up his eyes and gives him those tiny wrinkles around them. I try to concentrate on him, on his face, on the dimples on his cheeks as his lips curve into a smile, but my eyes can’t help but lower down to his hands. One of them is wrapped around the waist of a woman, more beautiful than I ever will be. More treasured and precious than I ever will be, and I see it in the way his fingers press into her side just a bit harder than necessary, in the way he turns to her when he talks and a light starts shining somewhere in the back of his eyes, in the way he presses his lips to her temple when she comments on something.

I down the rest of my glass, still unaware of what was in it, and look for a surface to put it down, because some tremor is taking over my hands and I’m not entirely sure that I can handle the weight of the glass right now. I move over to a table and put it down, but as my hands shake, it falls over onto the side and rolls onto the marble floor, breaking into pieces with a loud noise resonating around the room. Several pairs of eyes turn to me as I feel redness creep up to my face, scrambling on the floor and trying to collect the broken pieces. One of them cuts my finger and I pull my hand away, rising up as a waiter rushes to help me and wrapping my finger up in a napkin he hands to me. I feel stupid and embarrassed now, when crème de la crème of the city have witnessed my unfortunate incident.

I look over to Sean carefully and notice him watching me. He’s knitting his eyebrows as he watches me, a sulky expression on his face. His wife is looking at me as well and I lower my glance, feeling sick in my stomach as her eyes scout me up and down and I start feeling ashamed of my body, and my dress, so much cheaper than hers, and my shorter legs and a curvier shape. She does not have any judgment in her eyes, but I can’t help but feel judged. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t know about how her husband uses the same hands he’s hugging her with to hold my wrists together as I writhe under him. I am deep in my thoughts when I realize that both of them are walking over to me and I attempt to walk away but Sean calls me from afar so I stop in my tracks and tighten my jaw, ridding my face of any emotions it might have.

\- Hello, darling. This is the girl I told you about, Lo. She’s the best in town! – Sean is smiling brightly, but his expression is guarded, as if he expects me to ruin something. – I wanted you to meet my wife Lauren. She’s also a big fan of your work.

Lauren extends her hand as a greeting, smiling at me sweetly and I shake her hand with my good hand. My cut is still bleeding but it’s not worrying me anymore. Her hands are soft and I think about how they must wrap around Sean’ neck when he comes home. I wish I could stop thinking it, but I can’t help and look at this woman, hopelessly accepting that she is better than me. That she will always have something I want terribly, because he belongs to her and with her.

\- I’m glad you like my works. It’s a pleasure to meet you. – I manage to push out of me, holding her hand for a bit longer than I should as if I try to connect with her and understand why is it her and not me that is loved by Sean.

We engage in meaningless banter as I am desperately thinking of an excuse to leave and tend to my wounds, both physical and mental, and to save my heart from having to watch them together, happy, caring for each other. I scald myself for hating seeing it, but I can’t do anything with myself. I notice the details in his face and his gestures as he interacts with her and I note all the little differences between him with her and him with me. I finally manage to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and turn around, taking a deep breath and walking, barely able to see anything in front of me as I feel my vision finally get blurred because of another emotional storm about to hit my whole existence.

—-

I make my way towards the stairs leading to the first floor of the hall where the bathrooms are when I hear Sean’s voice call me over. I stop in the middle of the staircase and wait, not able to turn around. I try to gather myself to not let him show what is happening to me, but I am doing a bad job of it and as he swirls me around, a tear escapes out of the corner of my eye and I wipe it away fast, but he already noticed.

\- Your finger hurts bad, baby? – He asks, taking my hand into his and pulling me after him down the stairs and into some room, used for storing utilities and mops. I can’t help but think about the whole situation, when she is there with him in the glamour and glitter of lights, while I get him amidst mops and dust.

\- It’s nothing, really. I’ll be fine. It stings a bit. – I answer, fully aware that he knows the reason for my tear, but does not care for it, or does not want to deal with it.

\- Can I kiss it better? – Sean whispers in a husky tone, coming closer to me as I step away and end up pressed against some table as he hovers over me. He takes my hand into his and unwraps the napkin, looking at the cut for a moment before pulling my finger into his mouth and sucking on it. My breath gets caught in my lungs as I watch him, his perfect features and his closed eyes, and feel desire wash over me once again.

\- You can’t do this here. – I manage, my voice ragged and torn. – You can’t do this to me. Please. – My voice breaks as I beg him to stop, because I can’t take it, I can’t take the thought that he is here with me while his wife is upstairs, and I can’t bear the thought that he knows how I react to him. – Please, Sean. Your wife, she…

\- She’s upstairs mingling with people and enjoying herself. And I’m planning to enjoy myself to, baby. I promise it will make you feel better. – His lips move from my finger to my lips and he gives me the softest kiss he’s ever given, lips nibbling softly at mine, tongue rolling over my lower lip asking for permission. I open my mouth to breathe out another please as I feel tears sting my eyes, but he uses it to glide his tongue into it and kiss me, harder, harsher, possessive. – Come on, honey. I want you. –He whispers as he turns me around and lays my chest on top of the table. He wants me, my whole existence screams, and I give in to him.

He knows how to use his charm and he knows I have nothing against it. My breath is lost when I feel him press against me, ready, hot, needy. He pulls my dress up and pulls my underwear down, sliding his hand over my core as I shiver under his touch.

\- Ready for me as usual. – His voice is gruff and gravelly as his fingers enter me, and he lets out a shaky breath as I listen to the clicking of his zipper and feel him press against me. He pulls out his fingers and pushes himself forward and I clutch onto the table, burying my face on the wood surface.

He’s moving fast, interested in his own gratification, and knowing how little time we have. I moan under his touch but I feel tears streaming down my face as I can’t help but think of how this is the best I will ever get. How I will not get to cradle him in my arms in the evenings and how he will not be there when I need him most. He notices my sobbing moans and pulls me back into his chest, his hand finding its way onto my throat and pressing fingers around it. His mouth caresses my ear as I feel something build up inside of me. But when Sean starts speaking, I feel my world fall apart and I see lights everywhere because I’m pressing my eyes shut so tight to stop all my soul dripping out of them tear by tear.

\- I know why you cry. – Sean moans out into my ear. – I know you want me. – His breath feels hot against sensitive skin. – I know you need me every single day. – He whispers and I nod agreeing with him.

His movements slow down and he takes his time pulling and pushing. He turns me around and wraps my legs around his waist, cupping my chin in his hand and making me look into his eyes as his second hand holds my lower back to keep me close to him.

\- I will never be yours, baby. You have to accept that. I love her. I love her more than anything in my life. But I want you. Every time I see you, my vision gets clouded with lust. You give me the worst hard-ons of my life. And I can’t explain why, but I will never, ever forget you. I will always be there. But I can’t love you, do you hear me? – Sean presses his fingers tighter around my chin as I bite my lips. – Do you understand me, baby? Stop loving me. I will never be able to give it back to you. I want you. You’re precious to me because I love you in the most primal and animalistic way a man could love a woman. – My nails dig into his upper arms as I stare into his eyes, feeling my tears sting my face and my make up running off. – Don’t love me, baby. Please don’t. – He continues, never stopping his movements.

It doesn’t take him long to get to his peak. He grunts and lets go of my chin as he grabs my ass and starts moving faster, his hips jolting raggedly, before he moans into the silence of the room and I feel his essence filling me up. He pulls out and fixes his pants, leaning against the table with one hand and looking at me.

\- You need to clean yourself up before you go out there. You look despicable right now. Stop crying. – His words feel like knives stabbing through me but I nod at him. He didn’t have to tell me this. I already know. He brushes a finger down my cheek and moves closer to me, as if he didn’t decide to leave a second earlier. – Baby, stop crying. I love you. I love you. – He coos in a soft voice, brushing my face and pulling me into his arms, hugging me tight to his chest.

\- Every time you look at me… - I start, not knowing how to finish. Sean lifts my head up and looks at me, question in his eyes. – Every time you look at me I wish I was her. – I finish, staring down the blue into his soul, and not seeing it.

\- Don’t, doll. You know I will never leave her. But I care for you too. I swear I do care. – He whispers, kissing my forehead. – Just don’t think about it that way, all right?

\- I love you, Sean. Do you really not understand? – He pouts his lips and looks slightly annoyed as I look at him with sadness in my eyes.

\- Well stop loving me then. – He snaps and pulls away. – You knew from the start that it will never be more than this.

I lower my glance and suddenly feel ashamed of my own feelings. He is right, I knew it from the beginning, yet I never expected to fall in love with him. I was only planning to spend a fun night. I never planned on getting hooked on my own drug standing in front of me right now. Sean paces around the room for a few minutes before finally speaking up.

\- I have to go back to Lauren. She’ll be worried. You’ll be okay? – He asks me as I fix my dress and look away from him, embarrassed of myself.

\- I’m fine. I’ll… Go clean myself up before I return. – He smirks at me and pats my behind.

\- That’s my baby. – He plants a quick kiss on my lips before exiting the room. I step after him, but he suddenly turns around and pulls me into his arms one more time. I feel his breath burn my ear.

\- I will never leave you. – His words fall onto my mind as he walks away and I stand there staring at his back. I should feel happy that he said so, but why is it that his words feel like a cage and a leash rather than a promise of eternal happiness?


End file.
